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The Subtle Intricacies of the Pineapple

Last updated on August 20, 2020

Your Honor and Dear Society,

After the conquest of Constantinople by the Ottoman Turks in 1453, Western European populations had to face the severe consequences of their main source of cheap, eastern trade being shut off. Without access to the Silk Road, it was evident that the prices of spices, and other eastern goods, would rise drastically; thereby, a solution was needed to counteract this issue.

Nations such as Portugal, Spain, the Netherlands, and eventually France and England, found a way to access these goods via the Indian Ocean, and with the expedition of Christopher Columbus in 1492, the Americas became open to European hands.

Eventually, in the span of a little over a century, a new trading phenomenon, called the Columbian Exchange, brought differing biological entities across the Atlantic Ocean. These included the introduction of disease, sugar, and other substances to each continent, however, the most important was the pineapple.

After the Second World War, most soldiers, who had fought in Italy, had tasted the delights of a food to which the locals had named “pizza.” Combined with the uniquely American ideal of individualism, chefs got to work inventing new versions of pie. This eventually culminated with the invention of the most majestic version to appear, the “Hawaiian.”

The first to taste this pie was amazed by its simplicity, elegance, and design, and thus, it had spread over to encompass not only the American continent but to the whole world. However, with all things in life, critics began to steal the spotlight, calling the pie a disaster, and overusing the phrase, “pineapple doesn’t go on a pizza.” First, the taste of a pie is a subjective experience to each individual, and criticizing those who go out of the norms of society to create what they perceive as happiness should be tainted as “heroes,” rather than “barbarians.”

Second, the combination of the sweet pineapple and ham, melting together with succulent cheese and warm tomato sauce, blanketing the exfoliating pizza bread dough, creates an aroma that perfectly aligns with one’s taste buds. Therefore, pineapple pizza should be given more credit than its critics would give it.

According to Pizza Magazine, a survey done by YouGov found that “12 percent of Americans who eat pizza say pineapple is one of their top three favorite toppings.” The placing of pineapple on pizza should not be a “luxury” that some minorities are eating on Mount Sinai while speaking to God. Such a practice is an accepted tradition that is in the heart of every human being.

The problem to which pineapple lovers face is the society to which bullies them into submission without a single thread of tolerance for new and individualistic ideas. The few to which go and discover new trends that can save our society are instead trampled and spat upon by it.

Furthermore, the site goes on to say that, “There’s a generation gap, too—15 percent of pizza eaters between 18 and 34 are more likely to go for the tropical topping as opposed to 9 percent of Americans age 55 and older.” From the beginning of man’s ascension to two legs, there has always been a “societal divide” between the young and old. However, because of the courage of brave, young millennials standing strong against the boomers of our generation, major strides have been made to defeat this resistance and to bring reform to our way of life.

According to the site,, there are approximately five different types of flavoring: salty, spicy, sweet, bitter, and sour. This “flavor star”, as the author calls it when putting into perfect equilibrium, enhances the flavor of any food up to the highest standards of the culinary arts.

Pineapple pizza excels these categories easily, with the salty ham uplifting the spicy marinara sauce, uplifting the sweet pineapple slices, uplifting the bitter and sour bread of the base of the pie. This extremely beautiful, and serene peaceful pie “concerto” brings about a certain heavenly, falling action, putting the most exciting youngling to sleep, and whole nations to bow before this magnificence.
And with that end, your honor, I rest my case.


Everyone wants love. But what I need [and what you, the reader needs], is to be kinder to others. What they are going through, is nothing that I [and what you, the reader is] am experiencing. We all have flaws, and therefore we are all human beings. That’s what connects us.

We want love, and some form of happiness, but most importantly, hope. No one is truly a “king figure”, as kings suffer, even like the lowly, but humble, peasant. Reach out to others, and try to understand them more thoroughly by exhibiting a virtue that has been absent in your lives: mercy.

Have mercy on others [from thy rage and excessive hands of justice] and comfort them through their own trials and tribulations.

Listen to their thoughts, and desires, and try to comfort them. Lift up their spirits, and rejoice while at it. When you have mercy on their souls, you make them happy. This quasi-mediating action allows them to, for once, enjoy their lives like they had never before [or at least that’s what they think].

Once such a small, but a simple task, is complete, you can finally find your own happiness through this exploitation of the happiness of others. Serve them, protect them, and love them.

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